Review: Fifth 'Pirates of the Caribbean' flick fights bloat

The opening scene of the new "Pirates of the Caribbean" is a fitting metaphor for where we stand in this long franchise: A creaky old galleon is unceremoniously yanked up from the ocean depths and the only things aboard are cranky old ghosts.

Dead Men Tell No Tales — lumbers into theaters this summer high on CGI tricks but with a hopelessly muddled plot and recurring characters basically running on fumes.

Newcomers include Golshifteh Farahani as a pretty cool, punky witch, and Kaya Scodelario and Brenton Thwaites, who play young star-crossed lovers with serious daddy issues, adding vitality and maybe future franchise possibilities.

Directors Espen Sandberg and Joachim Ronning have been given the keys to the kingdom and they've thrown everything at it — a half-dozen big sea battles, a shotgun wedding, a joint execution, underwater sword fights and even a Beatle.

[...] it's also about Bardem and his ghost crew busting out of the Devil's Triangle to hunt pirates, as well as Barbossa protecting his pirate empire, and the two young lovers fulfilling their destinies.

The story writers — Jeff Nathanson and Terry Rossio — have not only overstuffed the script, they've dumbed everything down (they think "horology" is a hysterically dirty word) and there's hardly a quiet moment in the entire two-hour movie.

Dead Men Tell No Tales, a Walt Disney Pictures release, is rated PG-13 by the Motion Picture Association of America for some suggestive content and adventure violence.