Allow Magic Johnson's Top 60 movie list to revive your dormant sense of wonder

'The Godfather' is Magic Johnson's top movie of all time. After that, it gets baffling.

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I’m always suspicious when people provide long, definitive lists of their “favorites” of anything, because ranking my own favorite things always feels darn near impossible. At the end of 2018, I ranked all 23 movies I saw in theaters but spent way too much time struggling with choices like the spectacularly weird Anna and the Apocalypse versus the far more straightforward (but nonetheless excellent) A Quiet Place. This year I was keeping a running list until I saw Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, which so beguiled my sensibilities that I scrapped the whole thing. I think that means it’s a good movie! But how am I supposed to compare Once Upon a Time in Hollywood to, like, Long Shot or Spider-Man? They’re entirely different things, they just happen to occupy the same media.

And don’t even get me started on albums. I have passed hours of my life considering the placement of a single, xylophonic tone in the final beat (or the upbeat of the final beat, depending on how you’re counting it) of the loop backing Naughty By Nature’s Feel Me Flow. Now you want me to name my Top 100 albums? I’ve listened to so much music in my life, but I don’t think I have 100 albums I know well enough to rank with any confidence. And yet everywhere you turn on the internet, people are like, “here are my Top 100 math metal albums of 2006.” Lies! You’re lying to me.

Anyway, you know who has no such hangups offering long lists of his favorite things? Magic Johnson. The NBA Hall of Famer turned abruptly quitting and generally heroic Lakers executive looked forward to returning to Twitter when he left the team’s front office.

Magic Johnson (Photo by Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images)

And though some might criticize Johnson for all the very mild takes unveiled in his time since leaving the Lakers in May, others will recognize that they were all just a long build-up to the fury he unleashed on social media in honor of his own 60th birthday on Tuesday, when Johnson revealed his Top 60 TV shows, his Top 60 athletes turned entrepreneurs, his Top 60 places to travel, and his Top 60 movies. Magic Johnson has 60 favorite places to travel. That is, as the kids say, an incredible flex. My top 60 favorite places to travel would have to include, like, the bagel shop down the block.

But it’s the movie list you’ll really want to spend some time with. Check it out.

There’s so much. I’m dizzy.

No controversy at the top. The Godfather is almost universally recognized as a great movie, it happens to be topical right now. But after that, it seems kind of haphazard. Is Magic Johnson calling Bad Boys his third favorite movie of all time? It was a really fun and enjoyable movie, no doubt. And to Johnson’s credit, I’ve seen 37 of these 60 movies and there’s not a single one on the list that I’ve watched and disliked.

It’s just all so wondrously, delightfully random. Johnson’s Top 60 movie list includes Shaft, which makes sense for a man of his age. It also includes the 2019 version of Shaft, which — full disclosure — I have not seen but definitely seems like it would not appear on many other lists of the Top 60 movies of all time compiled by anyone.

Wait, then consider this: Outside of The Godfather at No. 1 and The Bourne Identity at No. 31, Magic Johnson’s Top 60 favorite movies of all time all come in alphabetical order! What’re the chances?

And I know you’re thinking, “Ted, maybe it’s not a ranking so much as just a numbered list,” but I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong. Otherwise The Godfather would fall between Ghost and Glory. The only logical conclusion is that most of Magic Johnson’s favorite things happen to correspond with their position in alphabetical order. It’s truly amazing.

Tuesday’s big winner: The Denver Broncos

(Ron Chenoy/US PRESSWIRE)

First year head coach Vic Fangio announced that the Broncos will end the training-camp haircutting tradition that led to Tim Tebow’s ridiculous ‘do in the photo above. A lot of the haircuts in question were definitely funny, but as a man of great hair, I strongly object on principle to any organizational policy that forces people into haircuts. True story: When I was a sophomore in high school, I had long hair for some reason that now entirely escapes me. The hair itself was fantastic, obviously, but the look wasn’t great. Still, when a 300-pound senior teammate on the football team tried to hold me down and shave my head, I punched him in the gut and ran like hell. Sorry, dude, but my stylist and I share a sacred covenant.

Quick hits: Tyson, Brown, Romo

– Mike Tyson estimates that he smokes $40,000 worth of weed a month at his ranch in California. I don’t think that could possibly be true. Tyson’s ranch grows and sells cannabis, but even if he means $40,000 worth in retail value, it seems like it’d be extraordinarily difficult to account for that much weed. You can do the math yourself — plenty of legal shops list prices online — but basically, Mike Tyson and his business partner would need to be smoking a large joint of extremely expensive (and thus extremely potent) weed at least once every nine minutes, without ever breaking to sleep or eat, to spend that much money on weed in 30 days. Even if they’re sharing with ranch-hands, it doesn’t really add up. Going through $40,000 a month on weed means you’re not running a business so much as you’re operating an 1890s opium den, but for weed.

(Kirby Lee/USA TODAY Sports)

– Antonio Brown’s weird helmet saga, detailed in this space yesterday, seems to be nearing its conclusion. Why? Because Brown figured out that the NFL will approve his preferred model for use so long as it was manufactured within the last 10 years, and put out a call on Twitter for the helmet.

– Our Charles Curtis caught up with former Cowboys quarterback turned beloved NFL analyst Tony Romo. Oddly, Romo anticipated every one of Charles’ questions and answered them all before he could even ask.