A marriage therapist explains exactly what to say to end a fight with your partner
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The INSIDER Summary:
- When fighting with your significant other, letting them know you understand where they're coming from can de-escalate a fight.
- Use phrases like "I see your point" to help wind down an argument.
- Keeping calm is paramount.
Every couple is bound to fight now and again. It's healthy, cathartic, and a natural part of spending a ton of time with another human being. And truthfully, there is really no way to avoid fighting altogether in a healthy relationship.
But if you can stay calm, there is one phrase that can help keep your fight from going from bad to worse — and maybe even end it altogether.
It may be hard to do in the heat of the moment, but using a phrase that shows that you're listening to your partner and understand why they're upset can actually help end your argument.
"The best thing you can say during an argument is 'I see your point' or 'maybe you're right about that part' or anything along those lines — anything that tells your partner you've heard him or her and are considering his or her perspective," Jill Whitney, a licensed marriage and family therapist, told INSIDER.
Using a phrase like this takes you from appearing hostile and in opposition to your partner to showing that no matter what, you're on their side. It shows that you're invested in the conversation — even if it's heated — and that you care enough to really listen to them.
Crossing that line into appearing empathetic rather than upset with your partner can be difficult, but if you give a little bit of that hostility away, you can end a fight more quickly and with fewer hurt feelings.
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But, it's not only about what you say — how you say it matters, too.
This type of phrase means nothing if you say it guns a-blazing and in a rage-filled tone. Stay calm and breathe a bit before you attempt to de-escalate the fight. If you find that you can't do that, it's best to let your partner know that you're too worked up to respond so you can avoid saying something you regret.
"This is, of course, easier said than done, but letting your partner know that you're too upset to respond or engage with them helps preserve the relationship, prevents you from saying or doing something you may regret, and buys you time to think about how you want to proceed," psychologist Vijayeta Sinh, owner of NYC Family Therapy, told INSIDER.
"Buying yourself time till you are in a better frame of mind and more easily able to handle conflict is fair to you and the other person as well," she continued.
If you're having trouble finding the patience to de-escalate the fight using empathetic language and calm body language, experts recommend keeping in mind what you love about your partner, even though it's probably far from your mind at that moment.
Reminding yourself why you love that person and why you're with them can keep your fight in perspective and give you the motivation to make things right with them. Telling them these reasons why you love them, especially in tense moments, can help bring the fight to a happier conclusion.
"Fights can quickly escalate into bitterness, defensiveness, and negativity," Jonathan Bennett, a counselor and author of the site The Popular Man, told INSIDER. "To avoid this, find ways to express your appreciation for your partner, even when fighting. You’re reminding yourself of his or her good qualities when you need it most and you’re letting your partner know that you still value and love him or her."
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