How to Gracefully Exit Your Group Chat

Your group chat probably seemed like a good idea at first. But now, your phone won’t stop buzzing. The memes are piling up, your college roommate is making off-color jokes, the side conversations are multiplying, people are talking politics, and somehow you’re being asked to weigh in on brunch plans for a city you no longer live in.

You want out. But how? It’s complicated, experts say.

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“On some level, we all expect that what we’ll get back from a text exchange is a sense of belonging, but that’s not always what happens, especially in a group chat,” says Patrick Walden, a therapist in Philadelphia. “Group chats can recreate family dynamics: People start asking, ‘What’s my role here? Where do I belong? Is my voice valued? Why did he get the ‘haha’ reaction and I didn’t?’”

Ideally, when a notification pops up on your phone, you’ll feel open, curious, and energized, Walden says. If getting a text makes you physically recoil—or feel tense and full of dread and resentment—it may be time to bow out. We asked experts exactly how to approach your departure.

The problem with group chats

There are a variety of reasons why group texting threads are so fraught. When you interact with people digitally, you miss out on important cues, or signals that give you a feel for how people are perceiving what you’re saying.

“If you’re talking to a group of people at a party, you have a pretty good idea of who else is trying to get those people’s attention and how they’re behaving with each other and the kinds of things that are appropriate to say in that context,” says Jeremy Birnholtz, a professor in the school of communication at Northwestern University, who researches human-computer interaction issues. “But when you’re in a group chat online, you don’t know how many other chats your friends are part of, how many notifications they’re getting, or how long it should take you to respond.”

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Are your friends rolling their eyes at receiving yet another cat video? Did that joke land as well as you thought it did? Who knows! “You just don’t have a good understanding of other people’s expectations based on the information that’s available,” Birnholtz says. “There could very easily be disagreements over, ‘Why don’t you reply when I send things?’ Or, ‘Oh my God, why do you guys send so many messages to this chat?’”

For some people, it’s too much. That’s why Yovanna Madhere, a therapist in Atlanta, suggests getting in the habit of reflecting on your capacity before accepting every invitation to join a group chat. Get a sense of who’s in the chat, how active it is, and whether its purpose is to plan future get-togethers, talk about work or politics, share TV recommendations, or something else entirely. “We often use group chats as a way to connect with folks, but sometimes we have buyer’s remorse once we’re actually in the chat,” she says. “You’re like, ‘This is not what I wanted.’ If you ask some empowering questions upfront, you can determine whether or not this particular group chat is going to be best suited for you, your time, and your communication style.”

Alternatives to ditching the group

In some cases, there’s no need to outright leave your group chat. Instead, find “social workarounds” that allow you to pay less attention while still catching the most important messages, Birnholtz suggests. “There are a lot of ways to duck out of receiving notifications or reading the messages,” he says, like putting the group (or certain members) on mute. “You can look at it once a week and just see what’s up without having to dramatically make an exit.”

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Or, ask one close friend to ping you separately if something pressing was shared—that way, you can selectively tune in. “If you’ve got a friend who you can make your filter because you know they’re watching the messages, and you know they’ll have a good idea of what’s important, that’s a great strategy,” Birnholtz says.

Hold the group accountable

John Sovec, a therapist in Pasadena, Calif., keeps up with friends from elementary school via a group chat. It goes through highs and lows: Right now, it’s all about football; sometimes it gets political or turns into a recipe-swapping thread. “What I’ve learned over time is to just let it ebb and flow, because there have been times where it’s like, ‘Oh, that really doesn’t feel comfortable for me,’” he says. “But we’ve been together long enough that I move on, and in that process of not being offended by it, then the next week I see a really cool recipe for making ramen.”

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Occasionally, however, Sovec feels compelled to speak up. When one friend recently made an off-putting joke, he lightly called them out: “Hey, this may be a step too far.” The person who had posted it then called him and apologized for not realizing they had crossed a line. “We did a really great repair,” Sovec says. “Groups repair surprisingly well if we trust them.”

If you decide to leave, should you announce your departure?

If you’re dipping out of a group chat that includes every other member of your high-school graduating class, you can do so without notice—chances are, no one will even realize you’re gone. If you’re leaving a small, intimate group, however, you should acknowledge your exit to your friends.

Experts say the most graceful exits are brief, non-accusatory, and focused on your own needs—not the group’s behavior. Sovec and Walden suggests building off these lines:

• “I’m going to step back from the group chat for a bit, but wishing everyone well.”
• “Hey all—the chat’s gotten more political than I can handle right now, so I’m going to step away.”
• “I’m trying to steer clear of gossip, so I’m going to bow out of the group.”
• “I’m cutting back on phone time for my mental health.”
• “I’m minimizing notifications this year, so I’m stepping back from group texts.”
• “I’m leaning more into one-on-one connections right now.”

No matter which approach you choose, know that you have every right to set boundaries. “Group chats and notifications promise closeness, but they don’t reliably deliver attunement,” Walden says. “And humans are looking for attunement, not just access.”

Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@time.com