5 Concrete Signs It’s Infatuation, Not Love

Infatuation can often coincide with the beginning stages of love, and isn’t always a bad thing. Infatuation does become unhealthy, however, when feelings may not be reciprocated, when it causes you to ignore someone’s toxicity, when it turns obsessive, when it’s all projection, etc.

Here are five concrete signs it’s infatuation, not love.

1. You fell for them hard and fast.

From the very second you met them to the present moment, it’s been an absolute whirlwind. You honestly can’t believe how quickly and deeply you fell for them, especially given the fact you haven’t really known them all that long. And yet, here you are.

2. They are just so perfect for you (so long as you ignore all the red flags).

To you, your partner or crush is absolutely perfect. They can truly do no wrong and have never done anything wrong in their entire life. And not only are they free of any sin, they’re just so aligned with what you want in a person as well. For example, maybe they have a successful career and are super funny and tall. (Yes, these are very surface-level wants, we’ll address this later, stay with me here!)

When you place someone on a pedestal and stay laser-focused on everything you “love” about them, it’s easy to ignore all the red flags and keep those warning signs in your peripherals. However, eventually, the pedestal will crumble. Eventually, the rose-colored haze will clear and you’ll be forced to face the imperfect person standing in front of you.

If it’s actually love, you will find tenderness and appreciation for their flaws (or, at the very least, see and accept the cracks). But if it’s infatuation, you will find contempt and disappointment as you discover how being 6’3″ didn’t make up for the fact they never seemed interested in meeting your friends or putting you first or committing to you fully. In this case, the illusion has shattered. It was merely infatuation.

3. They’re constantly on your mind.

They consume your thoughts, making it difficult to focus on basically anything else. You daydream them on the commute to work and then continue fantasizing about them once you reach your desk. You have trouble being present in conversations with your friends at happy hour because you’re too caught up thinking about them.

4. There is still a lot you don’t know about them.

Because everything you “love” about them is pretty superficial (i.e. being employed and funny and tall). For example, you haven’t fought with them yet, so you’re not sure how they handle and express their anger. You don’t know a lot about their past or their pain or anything else that has made them who they are. Everything you could list about them someone else could probably find on their LinkedIn or Instagram. In short, you don’t know them very well at all. So, how could you love them?

5. You are constantly trying to impress them.

There is something about this person that makes you think they’re “out of your league.” As such, you’re desperate to be chosen by this person. For example, you may take on their hobbies and lose your own “inferior” interests in the process. But this is not love, it is self-abandonment. It is projection. It is infatuation.

After all, you’re using them as a means to prove your worthiness. This is an incredibly dangerous line to walk. Because no one could ever define your worth as a human being. And the very second you place your power in another’s hands, you enter very toxic territory, a place where love will never have a chance to grow.