Pondering Jim Harbaugh’s disturbing opinion about chickens

Will you eat anything? Or will you only eat foods with specific astrological signs? Your choice determines where you fit into football’s greatest rivalry.

The following two items arrived onto college football internet within minutes of each other. They inform each other and so many things about their corresponding universities.

Michigan head coach Jim Harbaugh, via Bleacher Report:

Harbaugh pulled [former QB Wilton] Speight aside and told him not to eat chicken, a protein that is considered fairly safe by nutritionists. When Speight asked why, Harbaugh said, “because it’s a nervous bird.”

“He thinks some type of sickness injected its way into the human population when people began eating white meats instead of beef and pork,” Speight says. “And he believes it, 100 percent.”

Archrival head coach Urban Meyer, via profoundly Midwestern restaurant chain Bob Evans:

Coach believes to be “9 strong” you need to be “1 strong” first. The Everything Breakfast adheres to his winning strategy by using nine strong ingredients to create one hearty meal: Three scrambled eggs, Bob Evans fresh sausage, hickory smoked ham, hardwood smoked bacon, tomatoes, cheddar cheese, hollandaise and scallions on a bed of hash browns. Served with our new griddled biscuit.

Therefore, the Michigan Man has taken all food advice from a witch who believes you can ingest the soul of any item you eat, probably including plants. This witch has also told Harbaugh that cows aren’t nervous at all, based on his extreme loves of steak and milk, which doesn’t fit the description of any cows I’ve encountered, but I’m not from the Midwest, so what do I know about being haunted by a high-strung Popeye’s two-piece?

The Ohio State grad, meanwhile, urges you to eat literally everything you can fit on a plate, all at once. Just attack the plate until your face looks like this:

Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports

On the field, the latter has long been the wiser choice. Ohio State has eaten Michigan 15 times this millennium, but at least the Buckeyes didn’t have to ingest anything tainted by the spirits of anxious birds.