Fine, I'll drink Will Levis' mayonnaise coffee, but you better believe I'm adding alcohol
Levis likes to take his coffee with mayonnaise and a side of intestinal distress. Fine. Whatever. I'll drink it, but I'm adding (...)
I don’t know very much about Kentucky quarterback Will Levis. On the field, sure, I fully accept he is a first round talent in a passer-needy NFL. He escaped Sean Clifford’s shadow at Penn State to become the engine behind the Wildcats’ offense and, despite a relative downturn in UK’s fortunes, has been statistically more proficient in 2022 than he was in his breakout 2021.
Off the field, I am assured he is a maniac. Because, trolling or not, Will Levis drinks coffee like a genuine weirdo. Sugar and cream? Nah. Entirely too much mayonnaise, squirted from a squeeze bottle until it leaves frothy ropes of egg residue floating on top of nightmare sauce? Oh, hell yeah.
@will_levis I have a very sophisticated pallet. @omgiaaa #fyp #TakeTheDayOffChallenge #BenefitOfBrows
This may have been expert trolling, but goof or not he’s done it *multiple* times over the course of *multiple* years.
Have you ever had Mayonnaise with your morning coffee?@UKFootball QB @will_levis is known to dabble w/ said combo
pic.twitter.com/ZuR92Toa4m
— CBS Sports (@CBSSports) July 20, 2022
This brings me to the final week of college football’s regular season: rivalry week. What was supposed to be a Tennessee-Vanderbilt tribute has been scrapped in superstitious concern about ruining whatever voodoo Clark Lea has going on the city’s western border. Instead, I will make a sacrifice to the football gods and honor another southern football rivalry with SEC ties: Kentucky-Louisville.
The Governor’s Cup is a cool in-state rivalry that’s been absolute garbage to watch recently. The smallest margin of victory since 2016 in these games was a 27-point Louisville win in 2017. In the last three matchups Kentucky is 3-0 with a 153-44 aggregate score. That’s gross. Is it mayonnaise and whiskey in coffee gross?
Friends, let’s find out.
The Will Levis Irish Coffee
- 9 oz, coffee
- 1.5 oz, whiskey
- 1.5 oz, Irish cream
- Mayonnaise, any amount
(deep exhale) Hoooo boy. Here we go.
Oh no. The mayonnaise, it doesn’t melt. It doesn’t blend into the coffee. It isn’t a pat of butter, glazing the top of your coffee and making every sip an oily mess.
No, friends. It merely breaks into chunks, leaving your mouth to coordinate its way through an arctic sea of tiny, eggy, mushy icebergs. It is unsettling. And, worst of all, it is a beverage that tastes like mayonnaise.
That’s it. It overwhelms everything. Remember those Orbitz drinks from the mid-90s that had the little gelatin balls in them? Picture that, only warm, and every gelatin ball is in fact a tiny land mine attempting to blast your taste buds into thinking you’re eating a ham sandwich.
I mean, look at this cacophony of taste and texture.
It’s impossible to get past the floating bits of mayonnaise. Underneath there’s a nice, tried-and-true cocktail. But on top is sandwich spread. There’s no way Will Levis actually likes this.
But hey, he tricked me into drinking it, so more power to him. In retaliation, I will be sending him to the New York Jets in my next 2023 mock draft.