I shared the same guru as William Hurt and Elizabeth Gilbert. Here are 3 things I learned — and now tell CEOs — about toxic leadership

For a year and half in the early ’90s, I lived in an ashram with a guru who was said to be all knowing. She was very popular. Everyone, including celebrities, wanted her time and counsel. I attended a meditation intensive alongside Meg Ryan. I sat on a porch next to William Hurt. Elizabeth Gilbert wrote about one of her ashrams in Eat Pray Love. Other celebrities and people who I didn’t know but seemed important came and went. 

When the guru told you to do something, no matter what you thought about it, you did it, because that command was “sacred.” Arguing with the guru, it was said, was a fool’s response, like kicking gold. Because she was believed to be so evolved, no one dared challenge her authority. And she often expressed anger if they did. This caused many of her followers to cower in her presence.

These days I work with leaders in organizations. And sometimes, an organization has a “guru” CEO who believes they are all-knowing and makes sure that everyone else knows it, too. Staff tiptoe around the leader, nodding their heads, doubting their own wisdom, and cringing when they do speak up and get a nasty look or are ignored by their boss. Others jockey for power by signaling that they have a special relationship with the leader. The company gets a reputation for being “toxic.”

Talented founders often get where they are because they constantly receive affirmation of their brilliance. Because these leaders truly do know more about some things (but end up thinking they know more about all things) than most people, it’s difficult to get them to recognize their arrogance or the impact of it. That, compounded by the belief that leadership is something people should innately know how to do, results in few of these types of leaders seeking my brand of executive coaching, which in part explores the power dynamics that create toxic cultures. But when they do, here are the top three things I make sure they know. 

1 – Authority at work comes from the role. Not you.  

The authority CEOs carry has been vested in them by the board and stakeholders to carry out the executive function. Yes, these leaders have certain talents that earned them the top spot, but when leaders believe their personality is driving the success of the workplace, they become too attached, too reactive, tend to micromanage, and suck at collaboration. Staff mistakes, changes, and challenges are all experienced as a personal affront to the leader. This personalization makes their leadership “toxic.”

An example of this I see frequently is the clash between CEOs and CFOs, when a CEO is casting a big strategic vision.  A good CFO, keeping an eye on the company’s resources, will attempt to prune it. A “guru” CEO will want to fire the CFO for being “negative,’ “a drain,” “small minded,” etc., when in all likelihood the CFO is simply acting in their authority, doing their job of protecting the company from financial peril. Because guru CEOs are so focused on their own responsibility and credit for what is done, they miss the opportunity to collaborate with C-Suite leaders and staff.  

2 – The nature of conflict in your workplace will tell you a lot about your leadership 

If leaders really want to learn about their culture, I invite them to walk around the office, sit in on meetings, and notice how people disagree. If there are little to no disagreements, that’s not a reason for congratulations, that’s a reason for serious concern. It means the space isn’t safe for differences of opinion or to openly challenge the status quo. It may mean the leader has created an eggshell environment in which people fear speaking up, or the culture has adopted the false belief that harmony is a sign of an evolved, creative workplace. It’s not. When people are free to disagree with each other in the service of their roles, new, better strategies emerge.

But if, on the other hand, an office is frequently filled with raised voices, name calling, and dramatic freak outs, that’s an obvious problem, too. It means that the loudest person in the room is being rewarded. This could be because the leader themselves is emotionally reactive and people are just parroting what is modeled, or because there are no ground rules for conversations and no consequences given for lashing out. When meetings frequently have heated and toxic conflict, most of the staff will shut down while the loudest engage in the spectacle of going at it.

3 – You need to create the rules … and apply them to yourself 

A guru CEO might completely leave culture development to HR, thinking it’s not a strategic enough part of the business to be involved. But if they are truly concerned with sustaining growth they should take part in creating cultural norms for the organization: what types of behaviors lend themselves to a productive workplace and what kinds — e.g. name calling, storming out of a room, or not speaking up in meetings but then saying everything after to a colleague in the hall — will not be tolerated.

But leaders must also follow the rules and norms of the workplaces they run. Guru CEOs typically won’t. They will feel above it, and that the guidelines shouldn’t apply to them. But the staff is watching. And, for example, when a leader repeatedly makes everyone stay late but leaves early, or expects everyone to be open to other’s ideas, but shut down ideas when they’re presented to them, accountability becomes impossible. What you will have in its place is a workplace running on chaos … or fear … which is what I first witnessed 30-plus years ago, while living in an ashram geared towards spiritual enlightenment, filled with celebrities, and run by an actual guru CEO.

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