Monologue: Simone de Beauvoir: SAT Tutor

Tutor? Yes, very simply: a tutor, made up of mind, uterus, martinis. The bourgeoisie wants STEM-only majors; there is no funding for the Humanities or Social sciences, no cash for guest lecturers in Philosophy. And we must keep some cash in the kitty, no?

Let us begin with biology: the mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell, which means they are populated by the underclass, women. Women do exactly 100% the same work for 79 cents on the dollar made by men — unless the women are of a color. Then they are paid what percent?

That was a rhetorical question. Can you spell ‘rhetorical’? It is a vocab word.

The ribosomes are just like those little peppers in the green olives in my martinis, which I must shake by hand until I can afford, how you say? Happy hour. Cellular reproduction occurs rapidly and with no attention to the needs of the mitochondria, which is why they often take lovers. Sartre is the intellectual love of my life but I am in New York and I have the Tinder. Tinder is like a vacuole, swipe swipe swipe.

Do your parents have any Vermouth? Can you spell ‘vermouth’? No? Okay; straight vodka and olives it is.

Now we do algebra. What you do to one side of the equation, you must do to the other, just like a socialist. The socialism does not pay much these days, which is why you have been taught this non-algebra algebra. We must go back to arithmetic. This is called long division, in which the number you wish to divide and conquer is kept in the house, like a woman. No, she is not a mitochondria in this case. Put away your snaptalker.

I am going to light my cigarette, which is only a little puff to the Greenhouse Gas. The major contributor is the breakdown of chlorofluorocarbons, which are in your aerosols such as the, ah, what is that terrible smell? Axe, yes. Axe Body Spray is making the global warming. You buy the body spray because of capitalism and because of the patriarchy, which is why your parents pay for me to show you how to use your mind for an occupation, instead of how to occupy your mind.

Now we do reading. You see there is irony? Irony is when the opposite of what is expected occurs, such as when a woman loses her candidacy for president after she has already done all a president’s work for two terms, after she has been senator, been secretary of state, and even put up with that stupid word, “likeability.”

You do not like irony, eh? What a surprise. This is sarcasm, not the same as irony.

Let us consider the metaphor: what good is a stem if it is cut off from the rest of the tree? The tree is the tree of knowledge. It is a joke. Ha ha. Jokes are to you like land is to fish — this is an analogy, can you spell analogy? There used to be a whole section of them on this test, but mon dieu, now the world will only know how to say this thing is a little similar, a little different from that thing. You did this in your essay, no?

To make the essay stronger, try a strong thesis statement. You may borrow mine: One is not born, but rather becomes, an SAT tutor.