10 Flirting Tips From a 13 Year Old Who Totally Gets All the Babes

1. Wink at all the babes nonstop

Babes love being winked at - trust me, I have a girlfriend. You don't know her but she's a hot babe and is super-real and looks like Katy Perry but with huger boobs and a way bigger vagina. Anyways, as a certified girlfriend-haver, trust me: winking works. Like, you should basically be winking all the time at as many babes as possible (e.g. all of them, all of the babes), with both eyes (your eyes get super-dry if you don't wink every couple seconds at a babe, so that's an extra benefit). Winking at babes lets them know that you're wanting to do a bunch of sex up in them whenever, which is the key to making them wanna smooch you hard.

2. Blow them kisses aimed at their boobs (don't forget to be winking during this, btw)

Well basically any guy can blow weak wimpy regular kisses at a hot babe's face, but only a true Flirt Champion (like yours truly, me) knows to aim the kisses at their boobs, to indicate you're a lot better at sex-doing than the others.

3. Buy them chocolates and Valentine's Cards even if it's not Valentine's Day or if they're allergic to chocolate or lacktoast intolerant or whatever

The fact is that chocolate and Valentime's Cards are romantic and good flirting tools regardless of what time of year it is or whether the hot babes are allergic to the chocolate. Note that you can also give hot babes a dozen roses also but roses have thorns and you'll probably prick yourself a bunch trying to steal them from Mrs. Kegebein's garden.

4. Tell them they look super hot, like, way hotter than Katy Perry even, even though Katy Perry is the hottest babe alive, but somehow they are even hotter than Katy Perry, even though scientifically that is not possible, I guess they broke science or whatever

The babe will be literally blown away by this compliment (note: heh, sometimes it isn't even actually true, but the hot babe will appreciate the effort).

5. Hold doors open for them (even if they don't look like they're trying to walk through the doorway, but just in case)

If there's one thing hot babes appreciate, it's when the dude is acting like a shivwalrus gentleman by holding doors open for the babes to walk through even if they're super far away and don't end up actually walking through the door.

Cool Bonus Tip: if the hot babe DOES walk through the door, tell her "wow I can't believe you can fit through the door even though your boobs are so crazy huge." She will go wild hearing this cool compliment and totally smooch you in the face.

6. When you see a babe walking down the street, yell out "Hey, it's a hot babe! Wow, you're beautiful, Ms. Babe. You are super hot, like you should be in Playboy or Mass Effect because you're so hot. Can I have your number?" Also be wearing your cool Mass Effect hoodie your Aunt Linda got you.

The babe will be so happy and horny by your flirting, that she'll give you a number and it'll be 9-1-1 because she's having a heart attack from being so in love with you instantly ;)

7. Don't fart a bunch in front of her but if you do be like "sorry I'm just farting because I ate a bunch of protein powder because I'm getting totally jacked so I can be a pro MMA fighter and beat up my older sister who puts me in headlocks sometimes"

The hot babe will respond by being mondo impressed by how jacked you're gonna be soon and won't be bothered by the gross fart at all and will understand that your sister Amantha is a bitch.

8. Seal the deal by putting a Powerade bottle in your underpants to make it look like you have a mondo weiner, even though your weiner is already pretty huge, it just doesn't really look like it so you have to use the Powerade bottle to let the babe know that your weiner is exactly the size and shape of a Powerade bottle

The babe will see your crotch bulge through your jean shorts and be like "holy moly I want that guy to do his smooches and sex business all up in my lady parts" and worst case scenario she finds out it's a Powerade bottle but she probably likes Powerade (get the blue flavor) so it's still pretty cool that you're the kind of guy who has warm Powerade ready at all times.

9. The key to flirting is a mix of confidence and listening for cues - be your real self with the other person and let the conversation flow naturally. Lose yourself in the moment and let go of your self-awareness. If there's a real spark between two people, it will come about organically and you'll know. If there is no spark, don't try to force it - some things just aren't meant to be. Just be yourself and be honest and the rest will follow.

10. Use a cool pickup line on the babe like "Hey are you from Tennessee because you look like Katy Perry, who's also from Tennessee, and who has huge boobs, although your boobs might be even huger."

Technically she's from California but it's still a cool pickup line. If you use it you'll be on a one-way train to Flirt City, USA (also not located in Tennessee but you get the idea).