Welcome to the Great Nation of Planned Parenthood!

Welcome to the separatist nation of Planned Parenthood, which has its origins as a humble clinic founded in 1916 on the radical notion that women are people. Before a tour of our feminist sanctuary, I’d like to do an emotional check-in:

- How are you feeling?

- Care for any complimentary birth control?

- Perhaps a dental dam to hold back your tears from the recent election?

- Speculum polish?

Let me just turn up the volume a touch on the white noise generator that blankets out the sound of protestors threatening our existence… there, perfect. Follow me right this way through Joan of Arc Way to a forest where fruit hangs at exactly your height and humans across the gender spectrum sit in clusters discussing reproductive rights and tools to combat systemic racism. Please mind the benches shaped like golden clitorises — they are being repainted an even more resplendent gold.

Yes, the sunlight here is always angled in such a way that it makes you feel held. Yes, the water from that nearby stream where people are freely bathing and breastfeeding in public without fear, is potable. Does our island ever flood? No — the moon is in perfect correspondence with the ocean here. Does blood from our menstrual fountain in St. Sanger Square sometimes leak into our water supply? Yes, it does. But we like it this way; it helps with our iron consumption. That’s what makes us so strong. Soon your eyes will sparkle just like mine.

Let’s pause for a moment to listen to the soft yet resolute chime of the Planned Parenthood bell tolling, which signals it is time for our Pledge Allegiance to Understanding Our Intersectionality. Don’t be alarmed by all the sweetly smiling people who just joined you in a circle; it’s just part of our culture here to respect and acknowledge each other’s full humanity. You’ll get the hang of it soon.

If your humanity is ever compromised, do let us know. As discussed on page 7 of your orientation packet, all observable symptoms of toxic masculinity are heavily monitored and registered as a disease here. We expect it to be eradicated in three to five years. White supremacy, though correlated to toxic masculinity, will take slightly longer to be treated, researchers estimate five to ten years. Lingering symptoms of both may persist. Please refer to the glossary in your orientation packet for other key cultural terms, like “sharing,” “listening,” and “being the first person to step aside to avoid colliding with an oncoming pedestrian.”

You see that fog rolling off Mt. Ida B. Wells in the distance? That represents Donald Trump. That is all he is now: orangey mist. You are safe here at Planned Parenthood. Breathe in, breathe out. If you look towards the crystal clear sky, you’ll note the moon and sun radiating a presidential energy. That is Barack and Michelle watching over our new nation. Hello, Michelle. You look particularly luminous this afternoon.

Oh, please don’t touch those wires. You just changed the color of the sky to crimson and we hold a community forum before making any modifications to the sky. Didn’t you read on page 5 of your orientation packet our process for collective accountability? I’m sorry to be sharp with you — it’s just those wires are all that is holding me — I mean, our nation — together.

Let me just grab a dental dam, you sure you don’t want one? Nature’s tissues, as we call them around here. Ha! No, I’m not crying. I’m just slightly allergic to the mold in this basement-soon-to-be-nation. I know, I should have been more upfront about how we’re still in the idea-generating phase and this world exists mostly as a hologram projected onto the walls of the (very lofty) bunker we’ve been allocated to for the next four years, but you have to start somewhere! Did I mention that we began as a clinic in 1916 and have grown to serve nearly five million patients worldwide per year? Do you know how many people would lack basic health care, such as cancer screenings and routine blood tests, without us?

No, I’m fine! I’ve never been better! You’re the one crying! There are a few cracks in our plan, but cracks are how the light gets in!

I just can’t get over the potential of this bunker! Everything around here is truly going to get brighter as synthetic sunlight technology only keeps improving! After we clear the cobwebs in the southeast corner of our nation, I was thinking of projecting a hologram of a high speed train that expels nothing but pure mineral water lightly flavored with cucumber, or perhaps lemon — any preference?

I mean, really though, we can’t just sit around idly polishing our speculums. Are you so naïve to think our essentially perfect nation could just magically spring into existence? Our great nation exists only because of the hard work of all who fled the United States, which only exists only because of the hard work of all who fled other nations to build the United States! We need funding if want this to be more than an optical illusion in the basement of Cecile Richards’s estate!

Please donate to Planned Parenthood!