I Do Not Like My Tinder Date by Talene Monohan

I am Nate
Your Tinder Date

That Nate my date!
My Tinder date!
I do not like
My Tinder date

Would you like
To procreate?

I do not like that,
Nate my date.
I do not like
To procreate.

Would you like it
Here or there?

I would not like it
Here or there.
I would not like it
Anywhere.
I do not like
To procreate
I do not like it,
Nate my date.

Would you like it
At my flat?
Would you like
To meet my cat??

I would not like it
At your flat.
I do not wish
To meet your cat.
I do not like it
Here or there.
I do not like it
Anywhere.
I do not like to procreate
I do not like it, Tinder date.

Would you do it
In the park?
When you do it
Can you bark?

Not in the park
No I won’t bark.
Not at your flat.
Despite your cat.
I will not do it here or there.
I will not do it anywhere.
I would not like to procreate.
I do not like it, Nate my date.

Would you? Could you?
On the L?
Let’s make a film!
Upon your cell.

I would not
Could not,
On the L

You may like it.
You will see.
You may like it
On the G?!

I would not, could not on the G
OR on the L! You let me be!

I would not like it in the park.
I will not ever try to bark.
I would not like it in your flat.
I would not like to meet your cat.
I do not like it here or there.
I do not like it anywhere.
I do not like to procreate.
I do not like it, Tinder date.

A cab! A cab!
A cab! A cab!
Could you, would you
In a cab?

Not in a cab! Not on the G!
Not on the L! Nate! Let me be!
I would not, could not, in the park.
I could not, would not, try to bark.
I will not do it at your flat.
I’m totes allergic to your cat.
I will not do it here or there.
I will not do it anywhere.
I do not like it, Nate my date.

Say!
At a show?
A Broadway show!
Would you, could you… Chicago?

I would not, could not
At a show
(and plus,
I can’t afford to go)

Would you, could you,
In Times Square?

I would not, could not, in Times Square.
Not at a show. Not in a cab.
Not on the L. Not on the G.
I do not like it, Nate, you see.
Not in the park. Not at your flat.
No I won’t bark. And I hate cats.
I will not do it here or there.
I will not do it anywhere!

You do not like
To procreate?

I do not
Like it,
Nate my date.

Could you, would you,
With a goat?

THAT’S FUCKED UP,
For real,
A goat?

Would you, could you,
In Park Slope?

Co-op dropout… no Park Slope
I will not, will not, with a goat.
I will not do it in Times Square.
I will not do it watching Hair.
Not on the L! Not on the G!
Not in a cab! You let me be!
I would not like it in your flat.
I hate all pets — especially cats.
I would not like it in the park.
There are bad things done there in the dark
I would not like it here or there.
I would not like it ANYWHERE!

I do not like
To procreate
Or masturbate
Or (yikes!) fellate
I do not get
Why people mate.

You do not like it
SO you say.
Try this! And this!
And you may.
Try jussssst a little of this and you may I say.

NATE
If you will let me be.
I will try it.
You will see…

…
…

GJWT7RJG!IW%RU83EWKGHKJHGGSD!!!@!

…

SAY!
I like to procreate!
I do! I like it, Nate my date!
And I don’t mind my small sore throat!
I would do it with a goat!
I would do it in Times Square.
And in a cab! While watching Cher!
And on the L. AND on the G.
It is so good sooooo good you see!

So I will do it in your flat.
And then again before your cat.
This sure lived up to all the hype.
I’m awfully glad that I right-swiped.

Say! I will do it ANYWHERE!!!!!!

I do so like
To procreate!
I want to mate
At record rates!
Thank you!
THANK YOU,
Tinder date.