Hostage Negotiator Reveals Ultimate Trick To Get Kids To Do What You Ask

We’ve all been there, you’re trying to negotiate with your child to brush their teeth and they are having absolutely none of it.

You offer to sing a song, pretend they’re an animal and you’re a vet, you invest in an ‘exciting’ character-themed toothbrush. But to no avail. 

The toothpaste is too “spicy”. They’d rather be doing something else. They are simply not interested.

If this sounds all too familiar – or you regularly have battles about putting a coat on, getting ready for school or eating breakfast – Katie Thistleton and Guvna B recently tackled the art of negotiating with kids on the CBeebies Parenting Download podcast.

And who better to talk them through it than Nicky Perfect, who once worked as an actual hostage negotiator?

Her credentials are impressive: Perfect spent over 30 years as a Metropolitan Police officer, including 10 years as an international hostage and crisis negotiator for New Scotland Yard. She is also a parent, so she knows a thing or two about how kids operate. 

On the podcast, Perfect said when we’re trying to negotiate – whether with an adult or a child – we tend to “react rather than respond” (guilty as charged).

If we react, we get an “emotional pushback”. But if we stop and take a moment, and then ask an open question like ‘what’s making you say that?’ we can try and explore the reason behind them not wanting to comply – and then we can begin to tackle the issue, she explained.

Of course, sometimes even when you’ve got to the bottom of why they don’t want to do something, and you find a workaround, there’s every chance they’ll still refuse. 

In this instance, Perfect’s trick is to give them “the choice of no choice”.

If a child won’t wear their coat, for instance, she offers the example of asking them: “So, are you going to put your coat on when we get in the car, or when we get out of the car?”

Another example is: “Are you going to do your homework before dinner or after dinner?”

They are given a choice (so they can feel independent), but ultimately they have no choice, as they’re going to end up putting on their coat or doing their homework either way. 

Other tips for getting kids to listen 

Therapists advise staying calm when kids don’t appear to be listening – if you’re stressed, kids will pick up on this, and that’s when things tend to escalate (easier said than done, we know).

Positive reinforcement can also help. Counselling Directory member Debbie Keenan previously told HuffPost UK it’s best to avoid focusing too much on negative behaviours and to instead praise good behaviours as much as possible. Sticker charts and rewards can help push things in the right direction.

If your child is quite young, it might also be helpful to get down to their level. “When a child is struggling with listening, me kneeling or sitting at eye level while maintaining gentle, open body language embeds a sense of connection,” shared the therapist.

If your child is neurodivergent, long rational explanations or multi-step lists of what you want them to do are probably just going to end in you being tuned out – and then getting wound up that your child isn’t listening. 

Parenting coach Dr Chelsey Hauge Zavaleta previously suggested parents might want to opt for one word at a time, possibly spoken in a sing-song voice. 

“You want to go for one word at a time and then pause. If they don’t follow through, give another support that is not more language,” she said.

So, for example, if you want your child to put their shoes away you could say: “Shoes”, then pause and tap the shoes, and say: “Shoes, over there,” while pointing where the shoes need to go.

The expert said the brains of kids with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) can become very overwhelmed with multiple instructions and long, rational explanations.

So, breaking it down and reducing how many words you’re saying “supports both their working memory and their executive function”.

The NHS also advises that certain adjustments might help children with ADHD, including “giving clear and simple instructions one at a time in a calm voice”.

Good luck!