I lost my baby daughter, but God’s love can help us past grief this Christmas

For many, Christmas is a time of celebration, laughter and loved ones gathering. But for others, it magnifies the grief of what could be and awakens memories we wish we could forget. A season that promises peace can instead expose our deepest pain. 

Before founding Auntie Anne’s, I walked through a season of darkness that I never thought I would escape. The loss of my 19-month-old daughter Angie created a hole in my heart that made it seem as though joy would always be out of reach. 

The darkness of grief can make it seem like all hope is lost. I kept wondering when, or if, I could ever piece myself back together. Following my daughter’s death, I sought help from our pastor but was taken advantage of and abused for seven years. My grief led me down a path of shame I thought there was no coming back from. I found myself all alone in a world of secrets and darkness. 

AT CHRISTMAS, GOD FULFILLS HIS PURPOSE — AND GIVES US OURS

God’s love was the turning point and light that brought me out of the tunnel of grief. His salvation brought me restorative healing and led me on the path to being well. Confessing my story and secrets and trusting in God allowed me to move forward and receive forgiveness from others, God and even myself. Regardless of the pauses in my healing, after my first step into the realm of speaking truth, I never went all the way back to the dark place where I started. 

Though there is no quick fix for trauma and pain, it is possible to be well, even after living with the pain for long periods of time. And deciding to be well doesn’t mean we never experience the effects of our pain again. My husband Jonas and I will never stop grieving the loss of our daughter, but the way we grieve has changed as we experience each new season of life without Angie, especially so during the holidays. 

I can’t explain all the mysteries of God. I’m no theologian. But I know what I have experienced. In the midst of the worst mess imaginable was where I found Him. And He was more loving and trustworthy than I ever knew. My connection with Him, and, eventually, my connection with others gave me the freedom to process my story and make confession and storytelling part of my ongoing journey.  

That kind of authentic, understanding community can be lifesaving in navigating the new normal of being well in the wake of grief. For too long, I could only see the world through the dark lens of my pain. Slowly, each truth, each confession, each forgiveness, each step toward wholeness allowed a little more light into my life. It was in my pain that I found my purpose.

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Back when I was begging God to remove my grief and cleaning up the mess shame made of my life, I never imagined that I would eventually find peace with all that pain. Over time, I stopped focusing on removing the pain and began asking what it could teach me. And I discovered something far more miraculous than God lifting my pain. ... I realized that He could redeem it.

Redemption in no way suggests perfection. We don’t learn anything from perfection. Rather, redemption is what happens when the script changes, and we can finally experience the beauty that is possible because of the pain, rather than in spite of it. I couldn’t have predicted how the pain that isolated me would later facilitate a deep sense of connectedness with God and other people. The secrets that once kept me stuck in isolation now compel me to strive for a life of authenticity. The very story I was tempted to escape altogether actually shaped me into someone who can make a difference in the world.

Through the birth, death and resurrection of Jesus we are redeemed. This time of year serves as a poignant reminder of that redemption, the burden of our pain He bears and that grief is not something we need to face alone. It is impossible to make sense of all the tragedy in this world, yet it is possible to come to some level of peace.  

A time of joy during the holidays can easily turn into a world of pain when a loss is felt keenly and our hurt and pain feel insurmountable. When we let pain define us, we get stuck. When we try to solve or prevent it, we get disappointed. But when we begin to make peace with our pain, transformation becomes possible at last.