Forget Jimmy Garoppolo. The hero of the 49ers is the kicker

Gramatica Errors Week 15: The Toe-man Always Rings Twice

Welcome to Gramatica Errors, SB Nation’s weekly kicking and punting column. As always, we will do our best to avoid any and all foot puns. Now let’s kick things off ...

Forget Garoppolo. Embrace the Gould.

A lot of y’all out there are getting all excited about new 49ers quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo and the newfound swagger the team is showcasing with him under center, and that’s stupid, because the real hero of San Francisco football is the kicker man Robbie Gould, he of the sweet feet.

Gould has not missed a field goal since October. In his last three games, he’s gone 5-5, 4-4, and then 6-6 (!) in the win against Tennessee, including this kick as time expired for the win.

Gould is a monster, as hot as any kicker in the league, and my favorite quote about him this week came from 49ers head coach Kyle Shanahan, who basically said he was delighted but couldn’t speak about it anymore because he doesn’t know shit about kicking.

Via the Press-Democrat:

“I can’t explain to you why he’s doing so well,” Kyle Shanahan said at his press conference Monday afternoon. “I don’t know enough about kicking. All I know is whether (the kick is) good or not good. It’s probably the only position I can study off a piece of paper just by reading the percentage. But (Gould) has been great.”

In related news, you should read Adam Stites’ excellent story about how only one NFL team actually has a coach who teaches kicking technique, and all the coaches don’t know anything, and most of these toe boys are out here making it up as they go.

The only man who should decide a punt is not to be is the punter man.

One of the unsung heroes of the Cowboys win this week was punter Chris Jones, who took a tough situation for Dallas — a fourth-and-11 at their own 24-yard line — and made magic out of it, running the ball straight up the gut and getting the first down.

Now we here in the Punt Posse don’t normally condone fakes, as they deny us the chance to see the glorious arc of a ball in flight, but when it comes to the punter calling his own fake? That we can get behind.

The only man who should decide a punt is not to be is the punter man himself.

That’s exactly what happened here, as Jones said after the game that he made the call (on his own 24-yard line, no less!) to fake the punt with the game tied.

Via the Star-Telegram:

Jones said he has the green light to take off is he sees the defense lined up a certain way. He said the fact that the Cowboys were backed up in their own territory didn't make a difference.

“You’ve got to trust it,” Jones said. “It was there. We practice it. We got what we wanted and took advantage.”

You’re a bad man, Mr. Jones. But don’t get too comfortable with these fakes. I like watching you punt. If I wanted to watch a not terribly athletic man run, I’d tune into the next special election, amirite?

[Note from Nate: The joke writer I hired to help me with this column, who is responsible for the previous paragraph, has been let go. We apologize for his terrible punchline, sloppy construction, and poor attempt at timeliness. We will strive to do better in the future. Relatedly, Gramatica Errors is hiring. Please email toeboyz4lifeallhailtheshoecrew@earthlink.net with a CV to apply.]

LACES OUT, ALLEN

During the Patriots 27-24 win over the Steelers on Sunday, Patriots kicker Stephen Gostkowski uncharacteristically missed an extra point after a bad snap and iffy hold. The kick was also perhaps affected by the windy, rainy conditions.

After the game, Patriots coach Bill Belichick discussed the play.

Via NESN:

“There are several things that could’ve been better on that play, obviously,” Belichick said Tuesday in a conference call with reporters. “It’s the National Football League. We’ve got to be able to execute that play better than we did. Obviously, need to coach it better, need to execute it better. We’ve just got to do a better job on it.”

NESN ran that story with the headline “Bill Belichick Chastises Patriots’ Field-Goal Unit After Missed Extra Point” and in the story wrote about how Belichick was “none too pleased” with the play.

Photo by Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images

Now, you might read the above quote and say “That seems like a stretch. That’s a banal quote about general need to do better. It doesn’t seem like Belichick is upset at all.”

Oh, you sweet fool. You beautiful, innocent idiot. You delectable, blameless moron. That quote from Belichick is unbridled rage. That is Belichickian fury at its most pure. “We’ve just got to do a better job on it” is basically the man saying Did you see the holder man hold the laces sideways? Did you see the low snap? I will have nightmares of those moments until my dying day, and the snapper man and the holder man know this. I know it, and they know it, and they must live with it.

And as for Gostkowski, he knows that neither the snap nor the hold is an excuse. That missed extra point will be a mark of shame that will hang around his neck for eternity, a small, sagging weight that will prevent him from ever again truly feeling unchecked happiness. Even at his most free, the purest moments of his life — the marriage of his daughter, his enshrinement in Canton (should he be so lucky) — he will have this there with him, just prickling him enough, a small reminder that when the moment counted, when his number was called, he was a failure.

Do your job? You didn’t this time, Ghost. A fitting nickname for you, as that’s all you will be from now on. A walking ghost. An apparition. The haunted specter where a real kicker man used to be. Enjoy your meaningless existence. On to the Bills.